Film Reviews Index - By Cleaver Rating || KillingBoxx - Advocates of All That is Grim

BoxxOffice Reviews

By Cleaver Rating

What is a "Cleaver" ?

13 Cleavers

• Band of Brothers

~ As soon as you hit play, you know you are in for one hell of a cinematic ride of epic proportions!

• Boxcar Bertha

~ Two dollars to touch boobs, ten for below the belt, Boxcar Bertha!

~ A perfect 13 film for a perfect Sunday! Casablanca

• Citizen Kane

~ Something light and airy for a change! Citizen Kane

• Deliverance

~ Squeal piggy squeal! Deliverance is still the baddest motherfucker in the woods!

• Funny Games

~ Watts and Roth tear it up!

• Ginger Snaps

~ The Brit Chick looks at a Canadian film for an American website and takes a bite out of Ginger Snaps!

• Gran Torino

~ Clint Eastwood simply cannot be outdone, Gran Torino!

• Låt Den Rätte Komma In (Let The Right One In)

~ Don't let the scary subtitles stop you just LET THE RIGHT ONE IN

~ Talk about a fishing vacation, Lifeboat!

~ The most important film ever made? Network

~ Fuck the remake! find [REC] and make a stand!

• Saw

~ A fresh idea that goes straight to the bone! Saw

~ It took a hell of a lot of big grapes to make this SCRAPBOOK!

• The Cottage

~ This bird can't be caged!

• The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

~ Meanest dog on the block! The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

~ I think Carla just melted my TV! Watchmen

• White of the Eye

~ Murder as performance art! White of the Eye

12 Cleavers

• Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia

~ Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia! (and maybe some air freshener too!)

• Cross Of Iron

~ Futility incorporated, Peckinpah's Cross of Iron

~ Your gonna regret it if you don't go see this one! District 9

~ If you are looking for warm and fuzzy, stay the fuck away from EDEN LAKE!

• End of the Line

~ Fundamentalist fucknuts furiously flagelating fornicators! End of the Line

• It

~ And when you are down here with me, you float too! It

• Maximum Overdrive

~ Emilio Estevez firing a Rocket Launcher! Maximum Overdrive

• Pet Sematary

~ Grab your shovel Kitties for this horror classic, Pet Sematary

• Repo the Genetic Opera

~ Well shave my nuts and make me eat pink snoballs REPO THE GENETIC OPERA kicked my ass!

~ Thank heavens we are still members of a democracy! Saboteur

~ So how many fuckups can one set of dimwitted company representatives throw themselves into, on just one team-building trip outside of the office?

• Surveillance

~ This is why I watch movies! Surveillance

• The Leopard Man

~ No blood, no boobs, still a masterpiece! The Leopard Man

• The Old Dark House

~ Wouldn't you love to spend a night in The Old Dark House!

• Trailer Park Boys: The Movie

~ See Bubbles Kitties! Lucy's Boobs! and Ricky's wedding! Trailer Park Boys: The Movie

• Voodoo Dollz

~ I am in the girls locker room, doing what my mommy told me not to do! Voodoo Dollz
(Please Note: This film got 12 Boobs, not cleavers. Both items are fun and enjoyable, so the review is under "12 Cleavers")

• Walk on the Wild Side

~ A side of life you never expected to see on screen!

• Where the Sidewalk Ends

~ One false move and you're over your head. Where the Sidewalk Ends.

11 Cleavers

• 28 Days Later

~ London is empty and the Rage is spreading ... can you survive? 28 Days Later

• Dark Passage

~ Same eye's, same nose, same face. Everything else seems to be in a different place!

• David and Lisa

~ Nothing like a little mental illness for a Friday morning! David and Lisa

• Evil Aliens

~ Anal probes and hot English birds, really does have it all!

• Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

~ Yes I did! Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

• I Wake Up Screaming

~ Someday you are going to talk in your sleep!

~ Rock and his damn propaganda films! Man Hunt

• Mulberry St

~ I just looked at a great new apartment on MULBERRY ST.

• Murder, My Sweet

~ Ever feel like a duck in a shooting gallery? Murder, My Sweet

• My Bloody Valentine

~ Piss on Harry Worden will they! MY BLOODY VALENTINE Uncut 1981 Original!

~ Hitchcock, Grant, Bergman. You do the math, Notorious

• On Dangerous Ground

~ What kind of job is this anyway? On Dangerous Ground

~ Bullets and babes and blood oh my!

• Red Victoria

~ RED VICTORIA, necrophilia and other fun stuff!

• Somewhere in the Night

~ A noir story of tresspassing and a burned out love - Somewhere in the Night!

• The Adventures of Robin Hood

~ Fuck the dude in tights! Bring on Maid Marion...The Adventures of Robin Hood

• The Maltese Falcon

~ Sam Spade is on the case! The Maltese Falcon

~ If only we were all colorblind...

• Witness for the Prosecution

~ Dietrich bears a gam in Powers last role! Witness for the Prosecution

• Zombie Strippers

~ The power of ping pong balls!

10 Cleavers

~ 100 TEARS has elephantitus of the balls! Everyone meet Gurdy!

• A Far Cry From Home

~ Horror is alive and well!

• Alien Raiders

~ Ignore the title, ALIEN RAIDERS is far more film than its lame title suggests!

~ This guy can't get laid even with a bag over his head!

• The Short Films Of Boris Schaarschmidt

~ Put on the short pants its time to go to school!

~ Where do I begin Ms. Harper? Caged!

• Domain of the Damned

~ No titties, just tentacles and terror!

• Esmeraldero

~ A Japanese vaquero in Columbia dares and wins! ESMERALDERO

• Feast II: Sloppy Seconds

~ Can't wait to get me some sloppy seconds!

• Feast 3 - The Happy Finish

~ Hey you! Stop fucking that cat and look at this, FEAST - III - THE HAPPY FINISH

• Fido

~ What happens if the penis comes off?

• Ghost Story

~ Ghost Story, classic horror or truncated crap?

• Gimme Skelter

~ Boobs big , knuckles brass, GIMME SKELTER fast!

• Halloween, The Making of

~ Fanboys fruitcakes and the making of HALLOWEEN

• Hell's Ground (Zibahkhana)

~ HELL'S GROUND, the Pakistani Hootenanny

• Horror Business

~ So you wanna make a movie do ya? Horror Business

• In A Lonely Place

~ This film won't bogart your time, In A Lonely Place

• Jennifer's Body

~ She isn't even a backdoor virgin anymore! Jennifer's Body

• Lady in the Lake

~ Next time we get you in here, we'll teach you some manners!

• Laid to Rest

~ Robert Hall turns up the Grusome! Laid to Rest fucking rules!

• Los Cronocrimenes (Timecrimes)

~ Timecrimes, what happens when you try to see some boobs!

~ Like a cheesegrater on your testicles, Martyrs!

• Mother of Tears

~ Follow the signs and beware the prophecy!

• Mustang Sally's Horror House

~ E.G. made me drool on myself!

~ Should I mop up some jizz or kill zombies?

• Otto; or Up With Dead People

~ Penises on parade or OTTO; UP WITH DEAD PEOPLE, homophobes need not apply!

• Poultrygeist

~ Get off your cluckin ass and buy POULTRYGEIST!

~ Take your lead from Jonathan E., Rollerball and the wrong right!

• Seven Thieves

~ Candy Barr and Joanie jiggles! Seven Thieves

• Shiver (Eskalofrio)

~ No boobs but a hell of a lot of feral fun

• Sleepwalkers

~ Were-cats and swapping some spit with Mom! Sleepwalkers

• Splatter Disco

~ Did you ever want to fuck a Panda?

~ Yesterday Anastasia got a SPLINTER in her ass!

~ Your little suzi ate my twinkie!

• Jack Ketchum's The Lost

~ Unfortunately every town has a violent little bitch like Ray, JACK KETCHUM'S THE LOST

• Pat Garrett and Billy The Kid

~ Pat Garrett and Billy The Kid, the grim end to the real west!

~ All star cast kicks Redford's ass, hair still perfect! The Chase

• The China Syndrome

~ Kimberly Wells can fluff my piece anytime! The China Syndrome

• The Fountain

~ Jackman can act! Weisz will make you cry! Aaronofsky's The Fountain

• The Midnight Meat Train

~ Grab a jar of warts and your favorite hammer its time for a ride on THE MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN

• Timecrimes (Los Cronocrimenes)

~ Timecrimes, what happens when you try to see some boobs!

• Two Minute Warning

~ Heston and Cassavetes, need I say more! Two Minute Warning

• Under the Raven's Wing

~ Sometimes less really is more! UNDER THE RAVEN'S WING

• Vikaren ( The Substitute )

~ Cover me in Paprika and make me run!

~ A quiet film that makes you think before you scream, Vinyan

• Zibahkhana (Hell's Ground)

~ HELL'S GROUND, the Pakistani Hootenanny

9 Cleavers

~ The boner that lust built! Bedazzled ('67)

• Bizarre Lust Of A Sexual Deviant (Extended Director's Cut)

~ World class racks, Nos and Haack and BIZARRE LUST OF A SEXUAL DEVIANT

• Cold Prey ( Fritt Vilt )

~ Don't be a fuckin pussy, subtitles can't hurt you, COLD PREY

~ The Karate Kid meets Chickenfoot! Crossroads

• Daredevil (Director's Cut)

~ Rock reassesses Daredevil, I disagree, you be the judge!

• Dead Man's Bounty

~ An American dead guy in Poland, Dead Man's Bounty

~ Director Wiest delivers Rodriquez and Harryhausen's love child and calls it DEAD NOON!

• Deadwood Park

~ Stop abusing the bishop long enough to find a copy of DEADWOOD PARK!

• Eternal Blood (Sangre Eterna)

~ Sangre Eterna, another set of false teeth worth watching!

• Feeding The Masses

~ Don't be asses watch FEEDING THE MASSES

• Five Across The Eyes

~ Stop touching yourself long enough to get FIVE ACROSS THE EYES!

• Fritt Vilt ( Cold Prey )

~ Don't be a fuckin pussy, subtitles can't hurt you, COLD PREY

• Gutterballs

~ Well pardon my bung! aren't those balls in the gutter yours, GUTTERBALLS.

• House On Telegraph Hill

~ If you could get away with it, you would! House on Telegraph Hill

• I Maniaci (The Maniacs)

~ Barbara Steele came in my room! (In my dreams) The Maniacs

• I'll Bury You Tomorrow

~ Lets do the necro-nasty!

• Inglourious Basterds

~ Who knew Brad Pitt could speak Italian, Inglourious Basterds

• Isle of the Damned

~ Please don't eat my cock! Isle of the Damned

• Johnny Sunshine: Maximum Violence

~ Note to self: don't upset Johnny! Johnny Sunshine: Maximum Violence

~ Take a whore's bath with Jane! Klute and a prostitute named Bree

• Knock Knock

~ A Rock 'em Sock 'em Fuck You, KNOCK KNOCK rocks!

• Little Otik (Otesánek)

~ A cabbage patch, a stick baby, and an old pervert! Little Otik

~ The original hardgore masterpiece, Maniac!

• Midnight Movie

~ Grab some of this you might get some!

• Murder Party

~ I need to get my hands on 'OL PAINLESS! Murder Party here I come!

• My Bloody Valentine 3-D

~ The boobs are bouncing, the blood is spraying, go see MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3-D!

~ A dental dilemma of damning dalliance! Novocaine

• Otesánek (Little Otik)

~ A cabbage patch, a stick baby, and an old pervert! Little Otik

~ If you didn't like PINK EYE your head must be stuck in your brown eye!

• Punisher: War Zone

~ Fuck the tights! Give me the PUNISHER: WAR ZONE

~ PLEASE see [REC] first! but if you cant QUARANTINE ain't no slouch either!

• Return To Sleepaway Camp

~ Hey! wheres the penis?

~ Don't worry mate, we are perfectly safe on this boat ... Rogue

• Sangre Eterna (Eternal Blood)

~ Sangre Eterna, another set of false teeth worth watching!

~ No boobs, but it's electric!

• Skinned Alive

~ See a cannibal hooker eat Scooters lips!

• Shock Corridor

~ Shock the monkey with Shock Corridor!

• The Dark Corner

~ Lucy I'm home! The Dark Corner has at least one Ball

• The Happening

~ Marky milquetoast the harbinger of THE HAPPENING

• The Maniacs (I Maniaci)

~ Barbara Steele came in my room! (In my dreams) The Maniacs

• The Narrow Margin

~ What a great day for a train ride - The Narrow Margin!

• The Strangers

~ It's not French but its still scary!

• The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (Remake)

~ The Erminator and Biel's ass! Texas Chaisaw Massacre (the remake)

• The Tripper

~ Where America's best and brightest come to celebrate!

• The Undertow

~ I got me a hankering to squish some city boy's head! The Undertow

• Thicker Than Water: The Vampire Diaries Part 1

~ Fuck Twilight, blood is Thicker Than Water: The Vampire Diaries Part 1

• Tokyo Gore Police

~ TOKYO GORE POLICE, complete with chainsaw duels and gimps!

~ The only real answers lie within. Tommy

• Toolbox Murders (2003 Remake)

~ Hooper hammers Sheri Moon Zombie! Toolbox Murders

~ Brain Frappe anyone! Us Sinners

• Zombie Diaries

~ Dear ZOMBIE DIARIES, today I bit some guy with a camera!

8 Cleavers

• Blood Boobs & Beast

~ The three B's, Blood Boobs & Beast, the Don Dohler story

• Body of Work

~ The truth and the agony! Body of Work

• Cube Zombies

~ Take a peek over the partition, aren't those Cube Zombies!

• Dance of the Dead

~ Shut up and eat me!

~ As if being terminally ill isnt bad enough! Dark Woods

~ Beneath the mask, someone is watching ...

~ What the hell is Julia Roberts doing in the boxx? DUPLICITY

• Four Flies On Grey Velvet (Quattro Mosche Di Velluto Grigio)

~ Pardon me, are you going to eat that? FOUR FLIES ON GREY VELVET

• HOSTEL: PART II

~ How much are you worth? HOSTEL: PART II

• I Spit On Your Corpse, I Piss On Your Grave

~ Anal rape anyone? I SPIT ON YOUR CORPSE I PISS ON YOUR GRAVE!

• His Name Was Jason

~ Ballad of a mongoloid in the woods or, HIS NAME WAS JASON

• Killer Movie

~ Take off your pants, pick up the bottle, scratch and pour and you will enjoy KILLER MOVIE

• La Sorella di Satana (The She Beast)

~ Who hasn't popped wood over Steele! The She Beast

• Mommie Dearest

~ Why must everything be a contest! Mommie Dearest

• No Man's Land: The Rise of Reeker

~ Pedestrian underground, No Man's Land: the Rise of Reeker

• Okie Noodling

~ Just stick your hand in and wiggle around until you get bitten, Okie Noodling!

• Panic in Year Zero

~ Fuck a trial! Ray just shoots the bastards, Panic in Year Zero

• Quattro Mosche Di Velluto Grigio (Four Flies On Grey Velvet)

~ Pardon me, are you going to eat that? FOUR FLIES ON GREY VELVET

~ From Dead Birds to Army guys something is lost in translation, RED SANDS

~ Shut up! and get your RetarDEAD ass on the bus!

• Savage Harvest

~ Pointy tongued demons and pictures on rocks, SAVAGE HARVEST and the trail of tears!

~ Lets eat some snowboarders with the Slob! Scarce is fierce!

• Severe Injuries

~ There is nothing funnier than SEVERE INJURIES

~ SLASHERS! It's super fine! Now show us those Boobs!

• Sleepy Hollow

~ Burton rolls some heads and bounces some boobs! Sleepy Hollow

• Special Dead

~ Sometimes heros ride the short bus

~ Taken, nowhere near enough Famke but still fun!

• The Burrowers

~ I think you are gonna dig this one! The Burrowers

• The Dead Don't Scream

~ First you will wish you hadn't, then you will be glad you did. The Dead Don't Scream

• The Gateway Meat

~ Now where did those jumper cables go?

• The Great American Snuff Film

~ Capturing the raw images on super 8 film!

• The Legend of Sorrow Creek

~ It probably won't make you pee but check out THE LEGEND OF SORROW CREEK

• The Naked Kiss

~ The Naked Kiss, I don't think this one needs a tagline!

• The Psychomanteum

~ Put on your shorts! were going to The Psychomanteum!

• The She Beast (La Sorella di Satana)

~ Who hasn't popped wood over Steele! The She Beast

• The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2

~ "Don't skimp on the meat" The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2

• Thriller- en grym film (a cruel picture)

~ There aint no Michael Jackson beating it in this! Thriller-a cruel picture

• Undead or Alive

~ A sensitive cowboy polishes his locket!

• Undercurrent

~ Do I detect an Undercurrent of lust regarding Katherine Hepburn?

• Vengeance Of The Dead

~ Gross! gramps is slapping the salami!

• What To Do In A Zombie Attack

~ What would you do?

• Wicked Lake

~ The Pye gets pink in WICKED LAKE

• Wonder Woman

~ Wonder Woman, eleven year old boys and a tent!

• X-Men Origins: Wolverine

~ Wolverine de-clawed. X-Men Origins: Wolverine

• Zombies Zombies Zombies

~ Strippers vs. Zombies - Game on!

7 Cleavers

• Beyond The Door

~ Green vomit and floating ripoffs

• Bikini Bloodbath Carwash

~ Unzip your pants its time for BIKINI BLOODBATH CARWASH

• Bryan Loves You

~ Hey! isn't that Norm?

• Dead In 3 Days (In 3 Tagen Bist Du Tot)

~ I know what they were doing in Austria last summer, DEAD IN 3 DAYS

~ Grab hold of Vestiel's Eden Log and hold on for a muddy and confusing ride!

• EVIL-TO KAKO

~ Did someone say Zombies and Shotguns?

~ Unfortunately I can't recommend taking this HELL RIDE

~ It's not Hitchcock's Psycho, but don't overlook Castle's Homicidal!

• House on Sorority Row

~ The exception to prove the rule, House on Sorority Row

• In 3 Tagen Bist Du Tot (Dead In 3 Days)

~ I know what they were doing in Austria last summer, DEAD IN 3 DAYS

• Kansas City Bomber

~ Mother Juggs in the roller ring! Kansas City Bomber

• Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III

~ "There's roadkill all over Texas!" Leatherface: TCM III

• One Eyed Monster

~ Please help Ron Jeremy find his penis! One Eyed Monster

• Sorella di Ursula, La (The Sister of Ursula)

~ Bang a gong, death by dong, Sorella di Ursula, La

• The Alphabet Killer

~ Eliza and Rob make a wrong turn with THE ALPHABET KILLER

• The Sister of Ursula (Sorella di Ursula, La)

~ Bang a gong, death by dong, Sorella di Ursula, La

• The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3

~ "There's roadkill all over Texas!" Leatherface: TCM III

~ Pasteurized pathos from down under

~ Whatever you do, don't eat the fuckin fish!

• Wild Country

~ Scottish werewolves and horny Priests!

6 Cleavers

• After Dark Horrorfest III

~ 3 our of 8 ain't bad, I guess ...

• Bloodsuckers from Outer Space

~ Do not proceed without weed and a bottle of Jack! Bloodsuckers from Outer Space

~ Ali MacGraw without pants, I'm there! Convoy

• Kollegiet ( Room 205 )

~ Skip the danish and grab some coffee to stay awake!

~ Complete with fiery red heads and whoopee cushions!

• Prison of the Psychotic Damned

~ For fans only, PRISON OF THE PSYCHOTIC DAMNED

• Room 205 ( Kollegiet )

~ Skip the danish and grab some coffee to stay awake!

• Screamers: The Hunting

~ There is some light in this garbage, SCREAMERS: THE HUNTING, it could have been worse.

~ Hindenburg hooters highlight SKI WOLF

• The Craving

~ Lets get high on monster stank!

• The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

~ Brewster ain't Biel and Biel ain't Burns so why bother TCM- The Beginning

5 Cleavers

• Brotherhood of Blood

~ Pulling Ken's Teeth

• Dead Space Downfall

~ If Vasquez fucked Tank Girl, Shen would be the love child! DEAD SPACE DOWNFALL

~ Juliana traded her scalpel for a tugboat and it sank! Ghost Ship

• Halloween II (2009 Remake)

~ Zombie fumbles and hopefully this franchise is dead, Halloween II

• Headless Horseman

~ Look over there ... Headless Horseman!

• House of Voices (Saint Ange)

~ House of Voices isn't scary but Doillon jingled my dingle!

~ Hopefully MIRRORS won't bring Aja seven years bad luck!

~ Pieces of PIECES, the puzzle of poontang bisected

• Saint Ange (House of Voices)

~ House of Voices isn't scary but Doillon jingled my dingle!

~ That's a nice bag of fingers! Shuttle

• Straitjacket

~ Where's the axe, I'm bored!

• The House of the Demon

~ Little Blow Peep and the toga demon! The House of the Demon

• The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation

~ McConaughey's failure to launch started here! TCM- The Next Generation

• Warlock Moon

~ The giant red bell bottoms are the only scary thing about Warlock Moon

4 Cleavers

• Emanuelle in America

~ Handjobs and horses, Emanuelle in America

~ I can only think of four reasons to see JUNIOR

• Tanya's Island

~ D.D. Winters, Vanity be thy name, this film be thy mistake!

• The Booby Hatch

~ Despite some nice shrubbery The Booby Hatch doesn't catch

• The Devil's Tomb

~ Even Hellboy is trapped in The Devil's Tomb

• The Killer Shrews

~ Classic monster movie complete with pubic hair puppets, The Killer Shrews!

3 Cleavers

• Dead Country

~ On Fat Guys and topless women

• Goosebumps: Monster Blood

~ Green Goo, Swamp Creatures, and Monsters! (For Kids Only)

~ Polanski meets "The Rock" and Repulsion gets bodyslammed!

• Swamp Zombies

~ Even Jasmin's big ones can't provide bounce to SWAMP ZOMBIES

2 Cleavers

• Croc

~ CROC, of shit!

• Dracula.3000

~ I wish I could say I hadn't watched it, but I did, DRACULA.3000

• Friday the 13th (Remake)

~ 106 minutes I can't get back, fuck you Michael Bay and fuck Friday the 13th!

• Return to House on Haunted Hill

~ Not even Cerina could save this sequel, Return to House on Haunted Hill

• The Long Goodbye

~ Shut up, I ask the questions!

~ VIPERS, The best Tara Reid movie since Josie and the Pussycats!

1/2 Cleaver

• Halloween II (2009 Remake)

~ Johnny Pace reviews Halloween II as Johnny Pace!

0 Cleavers

• Voodoo Dollz

~ I am in the girls locker room, doing what my mommy told me not to do! Voodoo Dollz

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